Willow's Wedding Vows: a laugh out loud romantic comedy with a twist! Read online

  ‘You’re wearing shoes now. How did you get them off her?’

  ‘No, Charlie, you don’t understand. I grabbed my car keys and left the house in my socks. I drove to the local shopping mall and visited one of the shoe shops. I felt a right berk walking in with nothing on my feet.’

  ‘And this is all because Anna has PMT?’

  ‘Yes!’

  ‘Why hasn’t she visited her GP?’

  ‘Oh but she has. Ages ago. The doctor wanted to prescribe anti-depressants.’

  ‘Truthfully?’

  Charlie arched an eyebrow.

  ‘Yeah. Well I believe so. I didn’t go with Anna to the appointment.’

  ‘Why anti-depressants?’

  ‘The quack thought they might stop the mood swinging. Except Anna went bananas at the doctor. “You want to add another statistic to our Prozac nation?” she screamed, before storming out. Mate, she makes my life a misery. Sometimes I wonder if the PMT is just an excuse for her to pick, pick, pick. She’s like a bird with a particularly sharp beak attacking me over anything and everything. Is it any wonder that I responded to the smile of another woman?’

  ‘A smile?’ Charlie quizzed. ‘A smile is one thing. Letting it become something else is another matter.’

  Hark at him. If only Ben knew what he’d been up to.

  ‘Yeah, I know,’ Ben sighed.

  ‘Where did you meet her?’

  ‘In the local Chinese of all places. On that particular night, the trains had been playing up. We’d both got home from work late. Anna was in a mood. As ever. To placate her, I said I’d nip out to Ming’s and get a takeaway. When I got to the restaurant, all hell was breaking loose. One of the chefs was having a strop. He walked out leaving the kitchen staff struggling with the orders. The manager gave everybody drinks on the house as an apology for the extra wait time. I sat down with a beer and struck up conversation with this sweet-faced woman. We just clicked. It’s amazing how much you can find out about someone in half an hour. She told me she’d recently broken up with her boyfriend and was treating herself to some comfort food. And I said… well, I said…’

  Ben trailed off, his expression sheepish.

  ‘You said what?’ Charlie prompted.

  ‘I said that I was in the middle of separating from my live-in partner and had also come out for comfort food.’

  ‘So you lied.’

  ‘Bent the truth.’

  ‘But you’re not in the process of separating from Anna,’ Charlie pointed out.

  ‘I am now,’ said Ben determinedly. ‘I’ve made up my mind.’

  ‘What, as of this second?’

  ‘Yes. I shall tell Anna this evening. Well, maybe not this evening. After all, I don’t want her chucking more plates about. I’ll have to pick my moment. But I can’t carry on like this, Charlie. Even if Anna didn’t turn into a wild woman every few weeks, the bottom line is she’s not my soulmate. She is so self-obsessed. I want a woman who’s soft and smiley. Someone who welcomes me when I get home. Someone like your Willow.’

  ‘Willow?’ said Charlie, startled.

  He’d never really thought of Willow like that before. But Ben was right. Willow was indeed soft, smiley and welcoming. It made Charlie feel even more confused about why he played away behind his girlfriend’s back.

  ‘I can’t understand why you play away behind your girlfriend’s back,’ said Ben.

  Flipping heck. Was Ben turning into a mind reader?

  ‘She’s such a smashing girl.’

  ‘Yes, I know,’ said Charlie lightly. ‘But I haven’t quite finished sowing all my wild oats. You remember that saying? What the eye doesn’t see, the heart doesn’t grieve.’

  Ben rolled his eyes. He was about to answer when a shadow fell across both desks.

  ‘How’s your stomach?’ boomed Drummond.

  ‘Much better, thank you,’ said Ben quaking.

  He prayed his day wouldn’t get any worse. The last thing he needed was Drummond bawling him out.

  ‘Sorry about earlier. Think I ate some dodgy prawns last night.’

  ‘No worries, lad,’ said Drummond. He suddenly grinned. ‘In fact, I have good news. Thanks to the feelers you put out, we’ve landed the Carpenter & Co account. They’re a very big fish’ – Drummond was now sounding like a cat who’d been given salmon instead of kibble – ‘so it’s only right you should handle their account. Do a good job and there will be a big fat bonus.’

  ‘That’s… that’s great.’

  Oh the sweet relief for not being yelled at.

  ‘Pop along to my office after lunch. We’ll go over the details.’

  ‘Right. Will do,’ Ben nodded.

  Drummond walked off, whistling loudly. Ben exhaled weakly. He looked at Charlie.

  ‘Thanks for sorting out that report, mate. Listen, shall we go for a drink after work? I’m not in any hurry to get home.’

  ‘Ah,’ said Charlie. ‘I’d love to, but I promised Willow I wouldn’t be late.’

  Wow, sneered the little voice in Charlie’s head. The lies just trip off your tongue, don’t they? Now you’re not just telling Willow porkies, you’re also being untruthful to your best friend.

  Charlie ignored the little voice.

  ‘Tell you what. How about we have some fun this weekend instead? After the convention? We can have a few drinks, then check out the girlies at that club.’

  ‘I’m up for a few drinks, but no thanks to the girlies. I don’t want any additional complications in my personal life. Anyway, I think I’ve fallen in love.’

  ‘Don’t be daft,’ Charlie laughed.

  ‘I mean it. I’ve never felt this before.’

  ‘What’s her name?’

  ‘I’m not telling you. I’d rather not discuss her. She’s special. We’re special. I don’t want you pouring scorn on it.’

  ‘It’s not special,’ said Charlie derisively. ‘It’s called rebounding. The best thing you can do is chat up someone else this weekend and have some no-strings sex.’

  ‘Like you do?’ said Ben irritably. ‘You have a lovely girl at home, yet you mess her about.’

  ‘I don’t mess Willow about,’ Charlie protested. ‘If she knows nothing about it, she’s not being messed about, is she!’

  Ben shook his head.

  ‘No offence, mate, but I just don’t get you.’

  Charlie gave Ben an injured look.

  ‘I’m not married, for goodness sake!’

  ‘As good as,’ Ben countered.

  ‘I don’t agree. Marriage is complicated, whereas living together isn’t. Willow and I could walk away from each other tomorrow, and there would be no problems. There wouldn’t be any need to consult a solicitor or spend a fortune on legal fees. We wouldn’t have to provide affidavits in some court of law stating why we wanted to divorce. Simple.’

  ‘You bought a house together,’ said Ben. ‘It’s jointly owned. That’s a commitment in itself.’

  ‘Ah, but not the same as a having a marriage certificate,’ said Charlie, wagging a finger at Ben. ‘In the conveyancing contract there was definitely no clause that said, “Till death us do part.” I know, because I read it from start to finish. And anyway, enough about me and Willow because this conversation is about you and… you and…’

  Charlie prompted Ben to provide the girl’s name.

  ‘Oh no you don’t. You’re not catching me out. Her name is my secret.’

  ‘You’re being ridiculous.’

  ‘No, I’m not. Anyway, you’re right about the rebound thing. If Anna and I split – and I really think we need to – then I want some emotional space before pursuing another relationship. I want to be sure it’s the real deal.’

  ‘Excellent’ – Charlie clapped his hands together – ‘which is even more reason to get your leg over this weekend.’

  ‘Oh bog off, Charlie,’ said Ben, but without rancour. ‘I will never understand why you are so duplicitous to Willow.’

  Which was pre
cisely why Charlie had never confided in Ben about Kev. It was one thing to have the occasional one-night stand in Birmingham and for Ben to judge Charlie as a bit of a lad now and again. It was quite another to have a regular lover on your doorstep. Charlie wasn’t up for his best mate diminishing him from likely lad to contemptible cad.

  ‘Just saying,’ Charlie shrugged.

  ‘Well don’t. You worry about your own love life, and I’ll worry about mine.’

  ‘I don’t have any worries about my love life,’ said Charlie glibly. ‘None at all.’

  Which wasn’t strictly true. Because even as he uttered those words, a part of his brain was already pondering how to extricate himself from Kev’s manicured claws.

  Ten

  At a little after five thirty, Charlie grabbed his jacket, left the office and, like an ant re-joining its army, entered ranks with the swift-moving crowd striding towards Kings Cross station.

  Jogging past those who’d chosen to stand on the right, he took the steps of the escalator two at a time. Brandishing his travel card, he pushed through the turnstile and ran along the platform just as a guard blew his whistle. Charlie hurtled through the train’s open doors with all the exuberance of a marathon runner crossing the finishing line. Perfect timing! The doors shut with a soft hiss. Seconds later the carriage began to gently rock as the 17:34 headed south towards Ebbsfleet International.

  Moving along the aisle, Charlie flopped down on a vacant seat. Resting his briefcase on his thighs, he closed his eyes. He needed to concentrate on what he was going to say to Kev.

  He was reluctant to go inside her house because it put him at a psychological disadvantage. After all, it was her territory. However, he could hardly conduct the conversation he wanted to have in his own home. Not with Willow around. Or even not with Willow around. He just couldn’t risk it. The very thought of that made him feel twitchy and, if another commuter had chosen that moment to look at Charlie, they would have seen his body give an involuntary jerk.

  The train shot into a tunnel, and Charlie’s thoughts began to drift as he entered that half-way place between wakefulness and nodding off. In his mind’s eye he saw himself ringing Kev’s doorbell. A moment later and she was standing before him. Suddenly everything was like an old black-and-white movie.

  Her: Charlie Bear!

  Him: Heyyy.

  Her: Come in.

  (Door gently click shuts. Charlie remains standing in hallway.)

  Him: I’ll come straight to the point. This has got to stop.

  Her: Oh.

  Him: It’s not going anywhere. It can’t go anywhere.

  Her: (Sad but understanding.) You’re right.

  Him: (Gives her full benefit of his baby blues which convey perfect mix of sympathy and regret.) What we had was wonderful.

  Her: (Tearful but not enough to wreck mascara.) I will never forget you.

  Him: Likewise. You will always be here. (Touches heart.)

  Her: Oh Charlie Bear. You’re so romantic.

  Him: I know.

  Her: Thank God Willow never found out. (Snatches hand back and presses fingers to temples.) I love her like a sister.

  Him: Our secret is safe. (Embraces her tightly.) What we did was wrong, but by ending it now we’re making everything right.

  Her: That’s so true, Charlie Bear. You are very wise.

  Him: I know. (Arranges features into expression of innate wisdom.)

  Her: Leave, Charlie Bear. I cannot stand another moment of this torture. (Opens the door and pushes Charlie out of house.)

  Him: Au revoir, my darling.

  (Blows a kiss, turns away, and tries not to shout “YIPPEEEE”.)

  The overhead speaker fragmented Charlie’s inner showreel with the announcement that the train was arriving at Ebbsfleet.

  Opening his eyes, Charlie stifled a yawn, content that he had a rough plan in his head on how to finish things between him and Kev.

  Walking out of the station, a sudden chill wind whipped his hair about. Cold spits of rain began to pelt his face. Turning up the collar of his jacket, Charlie put his head down and began jogging towards the car park. He realised the nights were now drawing in. The sun was already low in the sky, its brightness restricted by a bank of dark clouds which were huddled together like witches around a cauldron. He shivered and felt a spray of goose bumps erupt across his skin. Trotting up to his car, he popped the button on the key fob and sank down gratefully behind the steering wheel, glad to be out of the elements.

  As the engine turned over it gave a throaty vrrroom. Pointing the bonnet towards Mosley, Charlie offered up a small prayer of thanks that Kev’s house was on the other side of the village, well away from Willow and the eyes of any prying neighbours.

  The initial patter of rain had now turned into a teeming cloudburst. Usually Charlie parked two streets away from Kev’s house but, because it was now chucking down, he decided to pull up outside her house. After all, he’d only be five minutes. In the unlikely event of a friend of Willow’s spotting Charlie’s car and later questioning it, he’d say… he’d say… yes!... he’d say that he’d mistakenly thought Willow was here having a cup of tea, and he’d decided to join them both.

  Perfect reasoning, Charlie. Don’t over-complicate things. Keep excuses simple.

  Leaping out of the car, he ran up the garden path and took refuge in the open porch, almost squashing himself against the wooden panels of the front door in order to avoid the downpour. His hand, already frozen and now running with tiny rivers of water, went up to the doorbell. His index finger was so wet it slid off the button, and he couldn’t make it ring until the second attempt.

  The door opened a fraction.

  ‘Charlie Bear!’

  Kev’s head bobbed into view while the rest of her remained out of sight, shielded by the doorframe.

  ‘Heyyy,’ he said with a smile.

  ‘Come in.’

  The door clicked shut behind him, but Charlie’s mentally rehearsed opening line died on his lips. Kev was wearing nothing but a fire-engine red lipstick and matching high heels. The only sound that escaped his lips was a gasp. All intention to stick to the script he’d concocted on the train fluttered away like the autumn leaves littering outside’s wet pavements.

  Charlie felt powerless to resist. And Kev knew it.

  She took him by the hand and led him up to her room.

  Eleven

  Kev didn’t let go of Charlie’s hand until he was in her bedroom. Exactly where she wanted him.

  He was now shedding clothes faster than a menopausal woman having a hot-flush. This was the only time Kev ever had any power over Charlie, and she wanted to make the most of it. Off went the shirt. Down went the trousers. A pair of socks were balled up and tossed through the air, narrowly missing one of the many candles she’d lit earlier and placed around the room.

  ‘Careful, darling,’ she cautioned. ‘We don’t want a fire.’

  ‘I’m already on fire,’ said Charlie hoarsely.

  Now his boxers were whizzing past her left ear. They landed on the curtain rail, dangling for any passer-by to see.

  Kev smirked. Wouldn’t it be wonderful if – by some crazy Law of Sod – Willow was in the area right now. Perhaps she might even be walking up to Kev’s front door this very moment! After believing Charlie’s excuse about working late, wouldn’t it be ironic if Willow had decided to pop over and spend the evening here? She’d arrive anticipating a cuppa and natter. Instead she’d clock Charlie’s car outside. Do a double take. Her brain would start whirring. Why was her boyfriend here of all places? He was meant to be at work.

  Kev sighed. How convenient it would be if this were so, because then Willow would start to put two and two together. Her eyes might at this very moment be looking up at the bedroom window where – gasp – Charlie’s boxer shorts were waving from the curtain rail. Might Willow’s voice at any second foghorn through the letterbox?

  “I know you’re in there, Charlie Goodman. I’v
e rumbled what’s going on. Consider yourself dumped!”

  Charlie pulled Kev down on top of him and she gasped – partly from pleasure, partly from the madness of this whole situation. For it was a mad situation. Crazy. She wasn’t even sure how this whole thing had started. Wait. It was coming back to her. It had been that coffee morning… the one that Willow had bullied everyone she knew into attending. A fund-raising event at the village hall. Some worthy cause that Willow had been involved in, alongside her self-righteous old bag of a boss. What was her name? Jen? No, Jean. That’s right. A domineering woman who’d evidently never heard of waxing strips. You could have plaited the hair on Jean’s quivering upper lip.

  Charlie had been in the background, trying to look supportive. He’d been bored stiff. She’d gone over to him. They’d chatted – just like they’d done a thousand times before. Except this time something between them had shifted. A look from her. A quizzical raising of an eyebrow from him. Then a testing of the metaphorical waters.

  ‘I’d rather be anywhere than here, wouldn’t you?’, he’d asked.

  She’d smiled suggestively.

  ‘I can think of one place.’

  His eyes had widened slightly.

  ‘Does it feature a bed?’

  She’d nodded slowly, her pupils dilating to the size of the charity cakes Willow had been trying to flog.

  Charlie hadn’t wasted a moment. Casually passing over his phone, in a low voice he’d instructed her to put in her number. She’d done so in full view of everyone in the hall, before saving the entry under the codename “Kev”. From that moment on, whenever they’d been alone together, that was what Charlie called her. She regarded it as a secret affectionate name, and he’d become her Charlie Bear. She’d handed the phone back with a shiver of delight, relishing the promise of what was to come.

  When they’d had their first assignation, she’d assumed it would be a one-off. However, they’d had such a frisson of excitement from their rendezvous, they’d repeated it. But, just like the drug, she’d found herself hopelessly hooked on Charlie.